53 Things That Nobody Tells You About the Messy Middle

Today is my birthday. I’m 53. And instead of just eating cake (don't worry, I’m doing that too), I sat down and wrote out 53 things nobody tells you about the messy middle, one for every year.

Some of these are permission slips. Some are hard truths. Some are just rules I've made for myself in this decade of life. A few are plot twists, things that are actually better now than they used to be. I'm still working on some of these myself, and that's okay. That's kind of the whole point.

Here's the list.

1. The biggest work of this decade isn't getting other people to love you. It's finally loving yourself the way you always needed.

Permission Slips

2. Cancel plans without a good excuse

3. Outgrow friendships that no longer fit

4. Spend money on comfort over trends

5. Cry in the car and then go back inside

6. Ask for help before you're desperate

7. Change your mind about what you want

8. Not feel the need to wear makeup

9. Let go of dyeing your hair and let it grow out gray

10. Tell your parents no if it goes against something you believe in

11. Go to bed at 9pm, 7 nights a week

12. Go on a solo trip or overnight and everything will be okay at home

Truths

13. Some friendships have a shelf life

14. Grief shows up sideways, at random, not on schedule

15. Your parents needing you and your kids needing you can happen at once

16. Menopause is not one symptom, it's fifty

17. You will grieve versions of yourself you didn't know you were attached to

18. Your kids leaving changes your identity more than you expect

19. Nobody prepares you for how loud an empty house is

20. You will feel both invisible and more yourself than ever, same week

21. Your body can't handle a life of fight or flight anymore

22. Your husband should come above everyone except God

23. Weight gain has more to do with hormonal changes than you realize

24. OMO is a lie. Enjoy what you're doing right now.

25. Your kids are still going to need you even as adults

26. Your body is never going to look like it was when you were 20, and that's okay

27. Preventative care is important. Don't skip your annual

Rules

28. If it feels like a chore to see them, it's not a real friendship

29. Say the honest thing sooner, not later

30. Stop explaining your choices to people who didn't ask

31. Movement over punishment. Exercise because it feels good, not as penance

32. If you dread it, you're allowed to quit it

33. Ask the doctor twice if the first answer felt rushed

34. Spend on experiences with people you love, not stuff you'll donate

35. You can start a new career in your 40s and 50s

36. Every day, take time to pray, meditate, and seek wisdom from God or your higher power

37. Get off your phone. It's shackling you whether you realize it or not

38. The 7-7-7 rule matters for staying connected to your spouse

39. Never go to bed angry with your spouse

40. Text the quiet friends to make sure they're doing okay

41. Donate the things you no longer use. Someday someone's going to get rid of it anyway, so help them out

Plot Twists

42. Sex can get better, not worse

43. You care less what people think, and it's a relief, not a loss

44. You're funnier now. You've got material.

45. Confidence isn't loud. It's quiet and it's finally yours

46. You stop performing happiness and start actually finding it

47. Old friendships can deepen in ways new ones can't

48. You're better at conflict now. You don't need everyone to like you

49. You can ditch the carpool-line attire and get back to wearing clothes that make you feel happy and confident

50. You can pick back up (or finally try) the things that bring you joy: painting, jewelry making, whatever it is

51. Put your music up loud and dance in your house like no one is watching

52. New friends can enter your life and it feels like you've been BFFs forever

53. There are Christians who are like Jesus and Mr. Rogers. I'm one of them.