Late Diagnosed Autism and ADHD in Women: 7 Tips If You're Wondering "Is This Me Too?"
When I sat down with my friend Niki, I thought we were going to talk about her story. About ten minutes in, I realized she was also describing me. I left that conversation wondering if I should be asking some questions of my own.
Niki was diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult, after her daughter's diagnosis and after losing her dad. Somewhere in all of that, she started to see more of her dad in herself than she ever expected. If you are a woman in midlife who has spent years feeling like you are working twice as hard as everyone else just to look "fine," these tips are for you.
1. Know the signs of autism in women that often get missed
Autism in women rarely looks like the textbook version. Niki talked about things she never connected to autism: picky eating, texture issues, and having a really hard time with change she didn't choose. Many women learn early to hide these traits, so they get labeled as anxious, sensitive, or "a lot" instead of autistic.
2. Pay attention when your child's diagnosis sounds familiar
For so many moms, a late autism or ADHD diagnosis starts with their kid. Niki's daughter was diagnosed first, and the more she learned, the more she recognized herself. If you are sitting in your child's evaluation nodding along to every question, that is worth paying attention to.
3. Learn what unmasking autism actually means
Masking is the exhausting work of hiding your natural reactions so you fit in. Unmasking is slowly letting yourself stop. Niki read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and found it so jarring she had to put it down for a month. Go at your own pace. It is a lot to take in.
4. Ask your doctor about an adult ADHD diagnosis and autism evaluation
An adult diagnosis is absolutely possible, even in your 40s and 50s. Start by asking your primary care doctor or a therapist for a referral to someone who evaluates adults, and specifically women. Niki walked us through what her process looked like, and her biggest takeaway was that it is worth asking.
5. Find a doctor who understands ADHD and perimenopause together
Hormones and ADHD are connected, and perimenopause can make symptoms you have managed for years suddenly feel unmanageable. Niki started ADHD medication in midlife and even had an honest conversation with her doctor about her caffeine habit. Having a doctor who understands perimenopause made all the difference for her.
6. Make room for the grief that comes with a late diagnosis
A diagnosis can bring relief and grief at the same time. Niki talked about grieving the kid she might have been if someone had noticed sooner. She also named things like rejection sensitive dysphoria, overexplaining, and carrying the mental load. Let yourself feel all of it. Both things can be true.
7. Give yourself and your marriage more grace
Niki shared how her diagnosis shifted her marriage and brought more understanding into the relationship. It also changed how she parents a child who shares her diagnosis. Tools help too. Niki calls her Skylight Calendar "life-changing." And remember, self-care is not the same thing as actually taking care of yourself.
Why this matters in midlife
So many women in the messy middle are only now getting language for what they have carried their whole lives. Midlife is not too late to understand yourself. If anything, it is the moment so many of us finally have the space to ask.
Niki's message to any mom wondering "is this me too?" is the one I want you to hear most: you are not broken, and you do not need to be fixed.
Listen to the full episode with Niki on Grownish Women, wherever you get your podcasts or at grownishwomen.com. If it hits home, send it to a friend who might need it too.
This post is for informational purposes and is not medical advice. If you think you may be autistic or have ADHD, talk with a licensed professional about an evaluation.
